My Mother’s Rejection Of Me

I got into an argument with my mom a couple of days ago. I ended in her saying she doesn’t want to speak to me for a few months. Which really broke my heart because I speak to her everyday, sometimes more than once a day. It really broke me down.

I deleted her from my Facebook, for a couple of reasons. One, I don’t want her to see my posts anymore if she feels she doesn’t want to talk to me for a really long time. And, two, why do I even have my mom on Facebook, anyway? She has for countless times spied on me and asked me to down posts about her. I am not going to do that. I don’t air my dirty laundry on Facebook, and I rarely post, but when I do I post what I want, because it’s how I am feeling. I blocked her from twitter and reading my posts there. Don’t ask me why she has a twitter. It’s probably all to spy on me. That’s how I feel.

I am a very lonely person, so I don’t know I am going to go about being home alone for days on end without contacting her, because I have only two other friends. Which are living their life.

Why am I not living my life?
I need a healthier lifestyle, and I need more friends and people who I can contact.
I dropped out of all my classes this semester in college and I am doing terribly right now. I need a total life change.

This has been a turning point in my life. I can’t let someone who is self-destructive in their own ways and to themselves bring me down, too. And that’s what I’m doing. This is exactly what my father teaches me about and I’m so stuck on socializing that I don’t get it. I did a little research on parenting styles. My father’s parenting style is very authoritative, but more on the authoritarian side. My mother’s is rejecting and neglecting. My father is still loving to me, and shows a lot of love. With my mom, I get pushed aside for my sister, falling in between the cracks of everything and sort of forgotten about. She does everything for my sister, while I sit in the shadows collecting dust. It’s also been that way with my mental health issues. I saw her a few times when she visited me in hospitals, but after a few times, it was no more. She wants me to accept her new husband as my dad, but I already have a loving father, and no one can replace him. Ever.

I can’t sleep anymore. I get up at 4am and walk the house. I lay in bed pondering my life over and over and over. I am not myself anymore. I’m a new person, but not in a good way.

Sleep and Relaxation

I’ve been pushing myself to get out and do more things and push away my feelings. It’s really broken me down. I’ve not just had more episodes, but probably more episodes because of this, because of pushing myself to my limits. Past my limits. I’ve been pushing myself to go to college, socialize, take criticism when I can’t (from family/friends, and take demands), etc. It’s really starting to wear on me. It’s making me more emotional and breaking me down.

My clinic, my nurse practitioner lowered the dosage of my sleeping medication and I haven’t been sleeping. I need that sleep. Every hour I can get, I need it. For my mental health. I really do. It’s so incredibly vital to me. So much so. I used to shun sleep. I thought it was for the weak. I was becoming psychotic without it. Even without just a normal amount. I naturally can’t sleep. So I grew to think that people that did sleep were naturally, just, weak.

I’m not sure if having a full schedule is good for me. I really need downtime. I need that 2-3 hours where I have nothing to do to regain my sanity. To relax. To think. I like being busy. Just not sure that is the life for me where I have something to do every second of the day. It’s just not something that I think is good for my health, because it’s very stressful, and I can only imagine what it’s like for someone else with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, or another severe mental health issue.

NAMI Commercial 2015- Mental Health Awareness Month (May)

On March 1st, 2015, I got a great opportunity to be in the NAMI commercial for mental health awareness month in May. I was filmed as an extra, in Dallas, TX. The commercial will air in May. I can’t wait to see it, and for awareness to spread and stigma to lessen as much as it can. I will post the commercial when it comes in. So keep a look out for it! In the mean time, visit www.NAMI.org and look for your local NAMI chapter!

Also, go by an visit the Mental Health Awareness Month page!