I am a female in my mid twenties (26) dealing with Schizoaffective Disorder.
I have been hospitalized near 20 times and i’m still trying to make it out alive in this system. So much of it I dont believe I can trust anymore. I was first hospitalized right after my 13th birthday for depression, cutting, and a suicide attempt. I was last hospitalized summer of 2014 at 24 years of age for unrelenting psychosis. I grew up with a typical life of someone who was bullied and ignored socially, as well as academically. Last 6 months before my graduating high school I was put into special education for Emotionally and Mentally Disturbed Children. That was the name of their program. At that time anyway.
I dont dream for much anymore. Hopes are gone. Empty.
Now I just want to be able to survive everday. I am having to live spontaneous because I have flopped every major area of my life due to schizophrenia or paranoia. I have failed academically through a waste of five years of college, I obtained not more than 3 hours out of 68 or so attempted. Thank you, God, I am not poor yet, but I have lost a lot financially that used to be here. I am lacking socially in every way possible. I had a main friend in high school and 2-3 acquaintances. All of which I have lost and haven’t had friends nor acquaintances since the 5 years i’ve been graduated from high school. I am in my house – no leaving – 75% of the year. I am quite a fearful person. Much you will see in my posts…
I’ve unfortunately had a number of major psychotic episodes, both in and out of public. Involving police. Involving family. Which my episodes are by far the memories most damaging to my psyche. Up there with my suicide attempts. I regretingly have been hauled off over and over, much to my dismay. Much to my hurt. The episodes ill never forget, and cant seem to forget, and can’t seem to let go of. You may see these in my posts, too. Maybe.
I was on medication regularly until I was 19 when I was told the antipsychotics were fueling diabetes in my body. I cold turkey quit out of extreme fear. I have been sporadically on medication since 2010. I am unable to live on medication, it makes me sleep a dozen hours a day and eat, as well as fuel suicidal intentions. I try really hard to stay away from suicide as i’ve had a few attempts. I tried to hang myself when I was 13. Overdosed at 15 and 20. I attempted to jump off an overpass on a highway at 21. I live in the rural – in a town under 1,000 people currently.
Just read please. If you can.
In a way I do not want to do this. But what other outlet do I actually have?