About Moze

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I am a female in my mid twenties (26) dealing with Schizoaffective Disorder.

I have been hospitalized near 20 times and i’m still trying to make it out alive in this system. So much of it I dont believe I can trust anymore. I was first hospitalized right after my 13th birthday for depression, cutting, and a suicide attempt. I was last hospitalized summer of 2014 at 24 years of age for unrelenting psychosis. I grew up with a typical life of someone who was bullied and ignored socially, as well as academically. Last 6 months before my graduating high school I was put into special education for Emotionally and Mentally Disturbed Children. That was the name of their program. At that time anyway.

I dont dream for much anymore. Hopes are gone. Empty.

Now I just want to be able to survive everday. I am having to live spontaneous because I have flopped every major area of my life due to schizophrenia or paranoia. I have failed academically through a waste of five years of college, I obtained not more than 3 hours out of 68 or so attempted. Thank you, God, I am not poor yet, but I have lost a lot financially that used to be here. I am lacking socially in every way possible. I had a main friend in high school and 2-3 acquaintances. All of which I have lost and haven’t had friends nor acquaintances since the 5 years i’ve been graduated from high school. I am in my house – no leaving – 75% of the year. I am quite a fearful person. Much you will see in my posts…

I’ve unfortunately had a number of major psychotic episodes, both in and out of public. Involving police. Involving family. Which my episodes are by far the memories most damaging to my psyche. Up there with my suicide attempts. I regretingly have been hauled off over and over, much to my dismay. Much to my hurt. The episodes ill never forget, and cant seem to forget, and can’t seem to let go of. You may see these in my posts, too. Maybe.

I was on medication regularly until I was 19 when I was told the antipsychotics were fueling diabetes in my body. I cold turkey quit out of extreme fear. I have been sporadically on medication since 2010. I am unable to live on medication, it makes me sleep a dozen hours a day and eat, as well as fuel suicidal intentions. I try really hard to stay away from suicide as i’ve had a few attempts. I tried to hang myself when I was 13. Overdosed at 15 and 20. I attempted to jump off an overpass on a highway at 21. I live in the rural – in a town under 1,000 people currently.

Just read please. If you can.

In a way I do not want to do this. But what other outlet do I actually have?

26 thoughts on “About Moze

  1. Hi, thanks for the like.

    I really wish you well, and thanks for sharing such intimate parts of your life. I hope you find a way which allows you to cope better with everything you’re dealing with.

    Take care.

    Like

  2. Investing your energy and, yes, your creativity, in your blog is an achievement in itself. You are sharing your journey with the world and this is a gift. Thank you for doing so. I look forward to reading more about your experiences and the resilience that enables you to write so openly. The world needs more of this.

    Your background motif reminds me of a lotus flower: life, purity and beauty coming up out of muddy waters.

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  3. Thank you so much for your comment I really appreciate the fact that there is someone out there that I can help with my blogging, The situation with my daughter I call it groundhog day. the motivation I have for helping my daughter Is that once I go on I don’t want to go in front of God and he asked me how come I didn’t help her.

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  4. I just started reading your blog today and I already love it. Thank you for putting yourself out there. I have a friend with schizophrenia and I want to learn everything about it. Especially what it’s like from the perspective of someone that has it, so that hopefully I’ll be better able to encourage and support him. You are a lovely person.

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  5. I found your blog through psychcentral. For some dumb reason it won’t let me register to post on the forums. Don’t give up on trying to change the world. I also want to change things in whatever way I can, in regard to mental illness. Your effort means so much, and is an inspiration.

    Like

    • Wow…Im a bit surprised anyone is really even keeping up with what I have to say honestly. Thank you. Thank you for caring about me too. Thank you for reading what I have to say and taking that time to do that. Thats all I ever wanted for myself, was for someone to even listen to what I went through. I want that for other people too. Even though im still searching for other people to listen to me, I still want to give that opportunity to others too. Im glad someone can see my efforts…and listen, too.

      About PsychCentral, theres a link to contact them if you have trouble signing up. Although I can go on the forums and ask the members what is going on about registering. Whats it saying when you try to sign up?

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  6. It said that my ip was on some list and was therefore banned from posting.

    I know what it’s like to want so much to change something that seems unchangeable, and getting discouraged. I looked for a long time through every website that I found on Google, that didn’t look retarded, that had information about schizophrenia, and BPD also. Yours is the only one that I found, aside from psychcentral, that was real and not just textbook. So keep up the good job.

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  7. It was through the forums, which I found through Google..so, both I suppose. I started reading the different posts, and you made an entry that I found fascinating and I saw that you had a blog. I said to myself, “hey, that’s exactly what I was hoping for.” And then I went and read all of the blog entries. There’s so much that I dont know, and having friends with mental illnesses is a driving force for me. Learning about everything that you and all the other folks on the forums go through has really opened up new areas of understanding, and also helps me to be relate with things in my own life. I feel sad that I am not able to interact there. Thank you for your help. I will try also to see if I can get around the ban. (:

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for reading my blog about the churchandmentalillness. I will tell you one thing I learned about suicide when I was about your age. I wanted to do it and the voice I know is God said in my head: “Plant bulbs.”

    And I said: “Huh?”

    Because seriously … plant bulbs? I mean, I’m sitting in my car too desperate to even go back in the house after a day of work and you’re telling me “Plant bulbs”???

    And the voice I know is God said: “If you don’t have a reason to live until spring, plant bulbs.”

    So I did.

    That night, over dinner, I got my roommates to chip in and I went to the nursery after work the next day and bought about a hundred bulbs — tulips and crocus and hyacinth and daffodils. It took every bit of late afternoon light for two weeks to dig up shallow beds to plant them in. I was sprinkling in bone meal fertilizer before setting the bulbs one afternoon, late in October, when a couple of the neighborhood boys rode up on their bikes.

    Halloween was getting close and I guess all of these big shallow holes in the ground looked pretty spooky to them, especially now that I was scattering some kind of mysterious white powder into the bottom of each one.

    “What’s that?” the chubby bully boy asked, pointing at the powder with a bit of uncertainty in his voice.

    I’m something of a teacher, so I always try to explain things in terms people will understand. Unfortunately, I don’t always think about what the terms will mean to them.

    “It’s ground up bones,” I told him.

    “Aaaah!” he yelled. And they both pedaled off as quickly as they could.

    I still plant lots of bulbs. I have narcissus blooming on my window sill right now; fragrant freesia just starting to poke up through the soil in their pot.

    It does give me a reason to keep going. And our blogs are a way to plant bulbs in other people’s lives, too.

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  9. Hey Moze! Thank you for following my blog. Please never give up hope. As you know by now, I am a person who is being plagued by a Problem called schizophrenia and have been for many years – it started with childhood schizophrenia when I was about 10 and I am 44 years old now. I used to take a lot of medication but through a wonderful stroke of luck I stumbled upon Narrative Therapy in the year 2000 and that has saved my life. I am no longer on medication, but please, I am NOT saying you should stop yours. Please don’t! I am just saying that maybe you should look into narrative therapy. It has given me wonderful ways to deal with my paranoia and how to cope with ‘episodes’ when I am in public. This blog is a wonderful idea. Keep going! You are not Schizophrenic, You are Moze and you have a Problem called schizophrenia. It does not define you!

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      • Yup! It takes a bit of time (took me all day, really) but it brings in traffic for you and those you nominate, so you just make up 10 questions for the blogs you nominate and if you want you can get the award image on Google or copy it from my post. Have fun and don’t hate me when it takes all day šŸ˜€

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  10. ā¤ ā¤ for you. Keep hope in your heart for better days and medications. You are a precious person, don't ever let your illness make you think you are not. Thank you so much for the Leibster nomination!!! xxxxoooo

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  11. Hey, Thank you for writing! Please continue. I have Schizo affective depressive disorder/BPD. I have never been able to talk to anyone with this specific illness. You are an encouragement to me. I’m sorry you have such hardships. Just know you are making a difference in other people’s lives by sharing your experiences. Lots of love, thoughts, and prayers.

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  12. Hey, Victoria here, thanks for liking my blog. I appreciate it! Life can be hard with such a diagnosis but I try to get through each day with hope. I have a 16 yr old son who is my life as well as 2 adult children who don’t need me as much but it would be devastating to them if I killed myself. Protective factors are huge for people like us because i am sure you are aware of the suicide rates:( Anyway, I am going to read more of your blogs.
    Pax

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  13. Hi,
    I’ve just come across your blog and I think it is amazing that you have the confidence to share your experiences with schizophrenia. I just wanted to let you know that you are extremely brave and I hope everything is going well.
    I am a fashion student, studying at Ravensbourne university and I was wondering If you can answer a few questions to help me with my current project based on schizophrenia. As part of my research I want to reach out to different people, connect with them on a personal level and listen to what they have to say about it.
    If you have the time, I hope to hear back soon via my email.

    Sarah Tran

    Like

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