This Is What Happens When I Start To Relapse (Briefly)

I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.

I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.

One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.

My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.

I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.

I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.

I’m really not sure how I will get through this.

The Liebster Award

I was nominated for the Liebster Award. I thought it was awesome.

I’d like to thank Undertaker Stories for nominating me! (Thank you for letting me use the award photo on my blog, as well!)

For my acceptance speech, I would like to thank really everyone who reads my blog, is struggling with a mental illness and fights it, and those that spread awareness of mental illness and Schizophrenia. I would also like to thank my friends at PsychCentral for standing by my blog, and my pursuit of documenting what I go through so that I can help and encourage others who might be afraid to speak out on their experiences.

Here are the rules, if you are nominated:

Each nominee must have under 200 followers

Thank and link to the nominating blog

Answer their 10 questions and propose 10 new ones for your nominees

Nominate 10 blogs and tell them that they’ve been nominated

Write a post containing the questions

Include these rules in the post

Here were the questions given to me by Undertaker Stories:

1.Which is your favourite room in your house/apartment?

That would probably be my room, because I have converted my closet into a computer/work station. I think it’s quite amazing, haha.

2. Who made the greatest difference in your life – good or bad?

My father, and it has mainly been good differences. He’s been there for me through thick and thin, as parents definitely should be.

3. What is the meaning of life?

Acquiring knowledge. I honestly believe that.

4.When you grow up, who do you want to be like?

That’s a hard question. I have a lot of influences. I want to be myself, but a mix up of all my influences.

5. Name the single most irritating thing that happens to you regularly.

I regularly stub my toe in doorways. I’m not sure why. Haha.

6. What would you never change about yourself, even if you could?

I wonder if anyone is expecting me to say something about my mental illness here, but I’m not. I would actually change, MAYBE being more outgoing than I am. I like being introverted but it’s a little too much introversion than I’d like, I suppose.

7. Do you like Jell -O?

I actually don’t, sorry, haha.

8. What are your thoughts on capitalism? (make it short or write a separate post if you have that many thoughts on it)

Oh, wow. I like how the United States is a Republic? From what I know about capitalism, I don’t think it would be a good path to take.

9.Who is your favourite musician/band/musical artist?

The Mars Volta, all the way!

10. Having done all this work, would you ever accept another award?

Maybe so. I like bringing attention to other writers/bloggers that put time and effort into their blogs. This was quite a bit of work though. More than I thought.

Here are my 10 questions for the following nominated blogs:

1. What would you like to accomplish with your blog?

2. How often do you post to your blog?

3. Do you still read the newspaper?

4. What’s your stance on fighting stigma regarding mental illness?

5. What is one place you would like to travel to in the world?

6. Name something odd about yourself that you do.

7. Do you like photography?

8. Do you have any pets?

9. Mac or Windows?

10. Why did you start a blog?

These are the blogs I have nominated:

Teanami

Suicidal Transgirl

Schizo Serenity

A Schizophrenic Experience

Scrappie Momma

Bipolar1Blog

A Suicide Letter

Just Don’t Say I’m Crazy

Mad Girl’s Lament

Mental Illness Talk

Lack Of A Support System

My therapist appointment didn’t go well. I called my clinic for help the other day, and I was met with having to sign a consent form to make sure I took my medications. At that point I didn’t even want to talk to my therapist about what was going on with me. I don’t really trust my therapist. I never really have, but I’ve tried opening up once. I don’t know if I can do that again. They want me to be honest, and open, but when I am I feel like it’s used against me. I just can’t trust anyone like that.

No one really understands my situation, but I get that. No one really knows what I’m going through, but I get that. Partly because, I just don’t either tell anyone anything or I say I’m “Ok”. I’m also partly paranoid about telling people stuff, but I know no one can help me. I’ve been in the mental health system since I was 12 or 13, and I have never gotten the help I needed, or true help. I’m put through ringers, or I slip through the cracks. That’s mostly what happens. So when I got around 20 years old I just quit telling people what’s truly going on with me. Just everybody. Not just mental health professionals, but family.

I feel completely lost, and without so much hope, because I have no real support system. My mental health support at my clinic is not stable. They’ve changed my psychiatrist and therapist two or three times in the past two years i’ve been there. I have no friends and my family is in pieces. The typical divorced parents, and one parent does not contact me much.