The Reality of Reality

reading through things and serching for help in my area to understand medicare……….im just about to break into crying……the sadness……and upset….and embarassment…..at my income ……and mental health…..and all this stuff in my life…….this is one of those moments that……you realize how broken you actually are both inside and out………..  😥  …………like heres reality……….im sitting in it………………..in THIS reality……..broken both inside and out……………a lot of people dont realize how lucky they are……seriously……….i never ever ever saw living even contently as lucky………but its almost pure luck in this day and age………..my dad lost his jobs one day and everything crumbled…….we went from upper middle class to my parents spit divorce and then few years later to only thing seperating us between being ok and physically on the streets were some walls. measly walls. we had no furniture in the house. no running water. no electricity. no air for too long…….and my mental illness worsened and worsened and worsened these past 3-5 years……..my college career broke and over……..going on and off insurance cuz no money………and so on……

……..everything iin my life is just gone gone gone.
one thing…*POOF* gone!
something else *POOF* gone!
another thing *POOF* gone!
and so on and so on and so on.
2 years after my lose his job i ALMOST LOSE HIM. AND THEN AGAIN 1 YEAR LATER.
it doesnt even stop.
and people wonder why i keep having psychotic breaks.

you FUCKING tell me.

4 thoughts on “The Reality of Reality

  1. Oh my goodness. I was at the point of tears going through Medicare indie yesterday too trying to find government assistance for covering medical costs…I understand the exhaustion of that.. I am so sorry you have lost so much. That sounds incredibly painful, and I think it’s really brave to bare yourself on here and share that. For what it’s worth know someone is reading your words and understands or at least really wants to. Hang in there.

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    • Thank you. i am not well right now. i was doing well for a few days i think. low stress. but its over. i just didnt think itd be this fast coming back to me. i get something major in my life over and over again. i get the small stuff. i even get the major stuff. but why so much all the time. i guess i dont understand. is this….REALLY life? something major happening all the time?

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      • I have the song “I dreamed a dream” from les mis stuck in my head. “I dreamed a dream of time gone by. I dreamed a dream of life worth living….But there are dreams that cannot be
        And there are storms we cannot weather
        I had a dream my life would be
        So different from this hell I’m living
        So different now from what it seemed
        Now life has killed
        The dream I dreamed”
        Not to sound morose or despondent, it just feels like life currently is based on dreams we lived in the past and have watched disappear. It’s as if life itself is a force bent on throwing at us as much as it possibly can, while we scramble to fight and hold on. Just keep writing, write your way through this. If anything it really helps me no feel alone knowing that someone out there understands.

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