No More Reality Checking

One thing I know for sure is that one day I want to break away from this mental health stuff and my own mental health and just drop my life – and barely/rarely look back. No more analyzing. No more figuring out how I am doing. Just live. I wish I had never known my troubles as I do. Being this close and in tune makes me more lonely and depressed than not. I wish I was naive/ignorant more to my mental health. Part of the problem is i’m alone almost 24/7 – 7 days a week so I have ALL this excess time to think about everything.

I REFUSE to do these so called “reality checks” anymore. I dont even call them that now. Let me just let my mind run wild. Ok?

The past 6 months i’ve gotten further away than ever before. In 2010 I started my descent from normalcy and rarely looked back until I was in police custody (or whatever that siutation would be called) in 2012 for a psychotic episode.

The more I run from this the more it follows me. But I will take a left turn so complicated and sharp – Schizophrenia wont know what the fuck hit it.

4 thoughts on “No More Reality Checking

  1. I feel the same way. I am tired of always being “aware” in a sense of what I am experiencing and then getting scared when i lose touch with reality and I don’t know what is going on at all. I hate all the analyzing and I just want to live in ignorance sometimes. I don’t know though if it’s better to know or to not know…I wonder. Today I’m just in an incredibly depressive slump and no amount of coffee or anything is pulling me out of it, I just want to crawl into a hole. sorry for the depressing comment…I guess I just felt compelled to ramble on here a little bit to someone who i feel understands. i hope your day goes better!

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    • Feel free to ramble. I am not sure whether its better to kno or not know. I really feel like i want to give up knowing anything in the future – seeing as i cant unlearn what ive already learned.

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  2. For me I’ve found that when I have too much alone time it makes me worse. My mind constantly thinks about stuff and I go way back in my head to things from my past. And these thoughts bring on guilt and regret and deep pains. I try to keep myself constantly busy as to not get “lost in my head”. It’s not always easy to do that. But since I’m a single parent I have to work as much as possible so this helps. Work is very much a struggle for me but I don’t have a choice. I don’t have any family- just my 3 kids. So it’s all up to me to keep the wheel rolling so to speak. I think I’ve gotton really good at pretending to be “normal” and doing and saying what I have to just to get by. If people really knew what went on inside me they’d call me “crazy”! But I’m not “crazy”, I’m just a little “unwell”! Lol! Anyways- with all that being said I think the fact that you live in an isolated place makes you feel worse. You say you’re alone most of the time with no one but your dad to interact with. I know for me I am not healthy when I’m constantly alone. However, I actually prefer to be alone and away from people. My little dog is my best friend. I talk to her as if she’s a human. I think she’s very smart and understands quite a bit. I know people can’t relate to me nor understand where I’m coming from. So why bother! I too have those days where I wish so much that I could find peace and happiness. But it never comes. Then there are days when I just want to throw in the towel! But I’m still here and I just keep chugging along. I know life is hard for you but I do hope you continue to chug along too! You keep posting, I’ll keep reading! Take care!
    Sincerely,
    Cracking Slowly

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  3. I hope that you will hang in there and start to feel better. When my family was dealing with something similar, we found that exercise helped a great deal. Find a beautiful place and hone in on all that nature has to give. My thoughts arre with you.

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