Tiresome

The only support system i have in my life is falling apart. i am extremely suicidal. i may not be well in other ways like psychosis. i dont know. i say i dont know because i am falling apart fast too. so fast i cannot and almost dont care to keep up with it. i just am trying to survive every single second of the days that come toward me. i am in a very thousand-mile deep seat of mental and emotional pain right now.

I can smell my hands and arms. The skin. It smells like rotting flesh. Last time I smelled this I had a hard time convincing myself I wasn’t dead or dying. That was hell.

Im the total opposite in that rain makes me quite content than most.

7 thoughts on “Tiresome

  1. that sounds so terrible…i don’t usually have hallucinations dealing with scent, for years it’s always been auditory with some visual, but lately these last few months the visual ones are such that I vomit from them. grisly i know, sorry. you’re not alone, just know that. i hope you update more, it really pushes me to keep fighting when i know that other people facing similar things are not giving up no matter how black the times are. right now I am trying to make it minute to minute like you say…it’s rough, i know. hang in there, i truly wish the best for you. and hey if you ever want to talk feel free to let me know.

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    • thank you. yea I am in quite a need to talk. i have tons of things going on. I do plan to write more, I just have to push myself to do so. things usually just run through my head and I am unable to record them at the rate they fly. I have a backlog in my frontal lobe – lets hope i get it down. im glad you feel pushed in that way. i feel pushed to share if i think someone is listening/reading/watching because people usually do not listen to me. this has been my whole life that i have been ignored. it wasnt until i had psychotic episodes in public involving the police last year (even though ive been diagnosed for longer) that people started listening to me. i sort of equate my getting worse to holding everything in and the dual stress in my life that finally exploded.

      thank you.
      your comment means a lot to me.

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  2. if you want to talk more it might be easier to email, my email is kelc.rock23@gmail.com, feel free to email me anytime, i check it pretty often. it;s good to have a place to vent or someone to just listen who gets it. I hold things in a lot too but then suddenly got tired of it and just became really public about everything..but now I am scared of what people think of me. I don’t know i go back and forth.

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  3. Hey, it’s me MIMI. Thanks for starting this blog and sharing. I believe you are on the right track. I wish I had words of wisdom. Just know I care and I believe there is hope.

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  4. I’m sorry for your situation If everybody had a normal life then life would be boring when you are stressed out drink some herbal tea or go to the beach or a lake or go to the park with lots of trees or go to a church and get prayer.

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